The affair might have been consumed or not by step 3. If it’s not, then you reach the final step once it becomes sexual. Emotionally starved partners are highly susceptible to falling for the first person who will listen and understands.

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Jennifer is totally responsible for going outside the marriage to get her needs met. That is clear. But affairs happen in contexts. And that context is Jennifer and Sam’s marriage. It starts with suspicion, and the first confrontations arrive when there’s a little bit of evidence. When there’s lots of evidence, denial adds insult to injury. And when the truth finally surfaces the betrayed partner has two wounds: the sad reality and the false reassurances.People in Sam’s role can sometimes get lost in the details, wanting to know everything about the affair. For example, asking if Jennifer loved Anthony, or why she was attracted to him, may be important details for Sam to know. But Drs. John and Julie Gottman would suggest that he, and others like him, need to be careful, again recalling Dr. Glass’ admonitions concerning PTSD. He runs the risk of becoming re-traumatized by the revelation of intimate details, such as where the affair happened and what the sex was like. He can become obsessive, requesting too much information. Yet if not enough is asked and absorbed, it can lead to later regret. When this occurs, it’s very easy for the hurt partner to view this as more intentional deceit, which many betrayed people say is just as difficult to work through than any sexual or emotional indiscretion. The therapist needs to guide the couple carefully through the betrayer’s tangle of self-protection or protection of a lover and the defensiveness and shame that comes with it, as well as the betrayed’s desperately wanting and deserving “the absolute truth” and the sadness, rage, and fear that accompanies it. Some people resolve the internal conflict by telling themselves “it’s not so bad, everyone’s doing it”. Gottman, J., & Gottman, J. (2017). Treating Affairs and Trauma. Unpublished manuscript, Gottman Institute, Seattle, USA.

Remembering Dr. Shirley Glass : NPR

Gaslighting happens when the cheating partner tries to frame the betrayed partner as crazy. If your partner does it to you, you are probably better off breaking up. The process of healing from an affair takes time. Like all grief, it comes in waves. One day, it will seem like it happened a long time ago. The next? Either Jennifer or Sam can get triggered, and emotions will feel once again very raw.To avoid cognitive dissonance ( Festinger, 1957) they lie to themselves or change their own stories. The good news? It can be accomplished, and the commitment can be richer than ever. Not because of the affair, but because of the work done to make marriage #2 better than marriage #1 ever was. An emotional affair is a relationship characterized by intimacy and emotional involvement between a person and someone other than their official partner. Secrets begin with omission. The other patterns such as inconsistencies, lies, confidence violations follow. While in cherishing relationships, interactions with others that hurt the partner are avoided, in denigrating relationships, ties with others are sought to fill the prevailing emotional gaps. As the hiding increases with the partner, there is an active turning toward others, and at a vulnerable moment, boundaries are crossed, and actual betrayal unfolds.

Shirley Glass | Psychotherapy Networker

Denying any emotional attachment or sexual involvement is another common reaction. Lying can be a sign that the affair partner is not yet ready to end the affair. Defensiveness can turn into openness -which is good- or into aggression. And ambivalence can turn into decision paralysis or full clarity. When you share things you don’t talk about with your wife, you start creating a bond that is stronger than the bond you have with your spouse.This can be very painful to witness for the betrayed partner, but it’s a good sign that the affair is over. #5. Shame & Fear That makes her susceptible, even unconsciously looking for, an emotional bond and a sexual release.