Living with the Dominator

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The ‘Rules of the Game’ are the beliefs of The Dominator. This is how he expects women to behave! It is also how he thinks he should be able to behave! The Dominator has hundreds of ‘rules’. Lets look at a few of them:

After you have finished it you may be inspired to join a programme if one is available in your area. The facilitators are wonderful and will give you lots of support and practical help. If you are in the UK and are looking for a programme please Google ‘Freedom Programme’ and the name of your town and county. You can also make friends with other like-minded women. I may be unfairly rating this book a 3 star but I think that’s because I was reading this from a slightly different perspective. From an unbiased perspective, this is an incredibly important and useful book and should be read by all women starting from college age so that they can avoid relationships with abusive men. I recognise a lot of characteristics of abusive men in this book that were present in men I have dated in the past- and I found that disturbing. An abusive person may exhibit only one persona or a combination of many. Putting these behaviours into categories means that when we are faced with abuse we can recognise it as abuse. The BullyKey workers in a variety of fields have told me that they are desperate for a simple tool to use one to one with their service users. I envisage that a worker and 'client' who work through the course together will both become simultaneously enlightened! The course can be used by workers who are dealing with 'perpetrators' and to those who deal with 'victims'. I listened to everything they said and became determined to impart this information to the people who had no understanding of such violence. This included other ‘professionals’ and the women and girls whose lives could be changed or even saved if they were just given this vital information. Below are the eight personae of the 'Dominator' with descriptions and the effects each one can have on us. The descriptions below are from the renowned Freedom Programme for female survivors of male domestic abuse.

The Programme was primarily designed for women as victims of domestic violence, since research shows that in the vast majority of cases of serious abuse are male on female. The Dominator uses various and numerous tactics to keep these rules in place. Here I have described some tactics The Dominator may use to keep each of the above ‘rules’ in place: Before purchasing the online course, we want to make sure that you are comfortable with how to use it and can access it in the language of your choice.

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Uses sex to control us. He refuses sex, demands sex and rapes us. As a result, we feel dirty and used and unable to stand up to him. The Persuader This course is designed to help you to acquire the knowledge, which can help you to live a safer happier life. It is also suitable for you if you are physically attending the programme as it can increase your levels of understanding. If you cannot get to a Freedom Programme then this is a way of completing the course in your own time. I initially wrote the ‘Freedom Programme’ to educate women, girls, men and boys. Then in 2008 I published ‘Living with the Dominator’. I wanted to reach everyone who was unable to attend a Freedom Programme.

The Freedom Programme examines the roles played by attitudes and beliefs on the actions of abusive men and the responses of victims and survivors. The aim is to help them to make sense of and understand what has happened to them, instead of the whole experience just feeling like a horrible mess. The Freedom Programme also describes in detail how children are affected by being exposed to this kind of abuse and very importantly how their lives are improved when the abuse is removed. Women should stay at home and not have a life of their own’ – isolates us from our family/friends, stops us from working. Uses intimidation to control his partner by shouting, glaring, sulking, driving too fast and firing questions at us without giving us a chance to answer. As a result, we believe he is angry and try to placate him. The Headworker The Freedom Programme Home Study Course’. This workbook makes the Freedom Programme even more accessible,If The Dominator wishes to change his behaviour, he needs to change his beliefs about women. He needs to change the RULES OF THE GAME! The programme also aims to illustrate the effects of domestic abuse on children and assist women in recognizing potential future abusers. It also aims to give women the power to leave an abusive relationship. One of our facilitators has been playing one of the animations to the women on her programme every week at the end of each session. Another uses them at the beginning as a 'warm up' to help to make the session run smoothly. Another of our facilitators uses them for her Freedom Programme for women with learning disabilities.

A woman should never be allowed to leave or end a relationship, no matter how abusive or violent it is. For that reason - I think this book didn’t go into enough detail for me. Whilst the book does touch on affects of violence on children, I would have liked this part to be lengthier and what was written wasn’t relevant to me. We have recently commissioned the wonderful Offshoot Film Company to animate the entire Freedom Programme. Women should believe and accept all the excuses he gives us for his abuse’ – uses the ‘only’ word! It was ‘only’ a slap, blames drink, stress, YOU!Isolates his partner by sulking when our friends come round and refusing to look after the children when we have arranged to go out. He charms our friends and family so they do not believe us. He makes us move away from the people and places we konw. As a result we are completely isolated. The Liar The programme usually lasts for 11 or 12 weeks and is FREE. It provided by hundreds of agencies across the UK. Some of them are rolling so women can join at any time but this varies according to local needs, etc. The course teaches that knowledge is power, and our aim is to give women “Freedom Goggles”, so they can understand abusive tactics and choose healthier relationships. We also help women come to terms with the abuse they have experienced. It can be very therapeutic to talk through your past with those who have similar experiences; it is validating to hear that you are not alone in what you have suffered.”