They balk at any expectation that they make changes to show their commitment to faithfulness and honesty. They did the cost benefit analysis of f*cking around versus your feelings and f*ucking around won out. If both partners are willing to do what is necessary in working toward change (and it takes two, not one), they will experience a satisfying outcome. Nor do I believe that the betrayed partner (the victim) should be the focus of whatever vulnerabilities have developed in the cheater's life.

Black and white thinking is a totally normal response to painful and humiliating circumstances,(betrayal trauma stress causes the release of adrenaline, the hormone that drives the 'fight or flight' reaction we get when we feel vulnerable or endangered-it's natural). Some of them are open about their stories, while many remain private about this part of their lives. The book provides some great warning signs that indicate the lack of proper investment in the counseling process. Others may not find the author a credible source because of the simplistic reductionist 'tub-thumping' strategy she uses- they will realize the actual situation is a lot more complex. And the theft is possible only because we’ve been duped into believing this person loves us and is on our team.Oh, the crushing indecision, being torn between two lovers, thwarted by the cruel forces of monogamy.

Chumps direct a lot of energy at trying to figure out cheaters and even more energy at blaming themselves, both of which are pointless. In which you blame your ex-wife for YOUR affair - the affair you chose to have, knowing the damage it would do - and you encourage your teenage children to do so as well. But I have been living with a shame imposed on me for seven months, and this is probably the most important resource I have come across in that time.I'd love to have an honest dialogue about any of this, but I think people may be coming here in response to a post by the book's author posted on her site (quite witty, I'll say) with opinions already formed and looking for "evidence" that I blame betrayed partners. Cheaters often display emotion when their affairs are discovered, but if you pay attention, it’s usually sympathy for themselves—not the pain they inflicted on you. Because it’s not just that the earth opened up and swallowed up everything you hold dear, like some natural disaster.