Vagiphobia is a syndrome where the penis tries to stay out of vaginas or gets out quickly once it gets in. A pioneer in identifying, explaining and treating the Nice Guy Syndrome, especially as this phenomenon pertains to single men and their relationships with women. These men don’t know how to assess or interact with women, and don’t see women as people or as equals; and the causal direction is more likely going from the latter to the former. And figuring that out—figuring out whose opinions actually matter in formulating what you yourself agree is a good person—is crucial to human moral development.

In relationships, a life–and–death struggle is played out to bounce their fear of vulnerability with their fear of isolation.Glover should here cover the distinctions between healthy and unhealthy ideas and attitudes regarding sexuality and masculinity. More problematic is when Glover gets to his “do be” list, outlining his idea of the Integrated Male Paradigm, where black and white thinking can lead anyone to misread him as saying it is “okay” to have bad qualities rather than making sure only that what you have been thinking of as bad qualities are actually of a kind you and those who love you would be okay with and thus you don’t have to hide or lie about. His remaining two items don’t carry any of these risks: “He can be nurturing and giving without caretaking or problem-solving” and “He knows how to set boundaries and is not afraid to work through conflict. Glover continues with his sexist confabulations when he says this “problem” was caused by a society of single moms and female teachers such that “men became comfortable being defined by women and became dependent on the approval of women,” suggesting the solution is to reject women’s expectations of you, which is actually the exact opposite of what needs to be done.

To release sexual shame and fear, the recovering nice guy must expose every aspect of his sexual self too safe, supportive people. We as a society just don’t see the production of larger quantities of real, evidence-based therapists to be “worthwhile. Alone, it’s good advice (you don’t want to be the opposite of “clear, direct, and expressive”); but in context it can misdirect. This feeling of inadequacy prevents Nice Guys from making themselves visible, taking chances, or trying something new.

Yes, those are useful; but it takes an impossible amount of work to gerrymander a brain through blind genetic selection to be a reliable truth-engine. Abandonment issues can be a real psychological problem that can afflict certain people, but they don’t quite work the way Glover claims. But this is not well communicated; rarely does he demarcate genuine from disingenuous “niceness” so that anyone seeking advice from this book gets a clear picture of what really being a good person means. These work well enough as stated, especially given the examples he gives in the book that illustrate what he means. Nice Guy (in reference to the sarcastic “Nice Guy” trope), is not a peer-reviewed academic work but a pop-market advice-manual.

He should have made clear that “being nice” is not the same thing as “being good” or even “being worthy” of anything; and most importantly, why. When the nice guy discovers that spending time alone doesn't kill him, he may also realize that he doesn't have to stay in bad relationships, tolerate intolerable behavior, or manipulate people to try to get his needs met.

Little boys get pulled into unhealthy relationships with their mothers only when their fathers allow it. Yet toxic ideas about masculinity driving their dysfunction are more frequently going to come from men than from women, don’t you think? There simply is no evidence women aren’t up to the task of teaching their sons to be good and competent men, nor even that any significant number of men have only women teaching them that. But seriously, if what you mean is, do I recommend anyone ever read this book, my answer plainly is no.

The only positive thing I can say about it is that what he draws up as bad mostly is indeed bad (no one should be ticking any of the boxes in his Nice Guy profile) and most of what he draws up as better is indeed better (with some misses and ambiguities I’ve already made note of). Due to the sense of helplessness and resentment this pattern inevitably produces, Nice Guys are anything but nice.

An historian and observer of modern culture, Paglia frequently touches on issues of personal and sexual relationship dynamics. Women consistently tell me that even though they may be initially drawn to a nice guy’s pleasing demeanor, over time they find it difficult to get excited about having sex with him. As long as Nice Guys are disconnected from men or believe they are different from other men, they cut themselves off from the many positive benefits of male companionship and the power of a masculine community. Glover gives no guidance on how you are even supposed to tell the difference; or what to do about it. A fixer-upper may be a fun challenge when it comes to restoring a car, but it’s a terrible way to choose a partner.