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The Angry Book

The Angry Book

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heads. They are controlled by their heads. T h e y don't get angry. Only fools get angry." "Oh, I know shell be sorry about it tomorrow, so how can I be angry with her?" "One doesn't get angry at children!" "What gives you the idea that I'm irritated? I haven't even raised my voice." "I just do something else and the feeling goes away." "No so loud, please—other people will hear you. So vulgar, you know." "It only looks like anger—it's not really so." "So who is angry?" "I'm not shouting and I'm not angry. I am speaking more intensely than usual only because I'm vitally interested in the topic we are discussing." L e t me give an example of one last, particularly insidious dilution—which of course takes many forms (some of the above are variations of it, to some extent): "I understand his distress, and I simply turn the other cheek—and forgive him." This is used in an attempt to dilute anger and at the same time to add to one's all-forgiving "nice guy" status. Of course the more the individual manages to convince himself of his "nice guy" role, the more crippled he will be in the all-important angry department of his emotions. Thus he manages to use dilution to build a subtle but destructive vicious circle. children respond to a mother's "mood" long before she herself is consciously aware of its existence. This applies particularly to her approval and disapproval of how the child feels and acts. Children do in fact "receive" and "record" what goes on around them, and they learn. T h e y learn by doing over and over again—by repetition—and this doing is often initiated by imitation. T h e y also learn by identification with a parent or relative. T h e y learn by experimenting and testing, that is, by doing and then observing parental response to their actions. Of course all this applies to emotions and how the parents emote and respond to the child's feelings, especially the feeling—and expression—of anger. Overcoming Anger in Your Relationship: How to Break the Cycle of Arguments, Put-Downs, and Stony Silences

ual closeness, often takes place with great satisfaction. L e t me say that healthy adult sexual activity requires mutual closeness and trust. ("You really care for me" has meaning, as does "I love you.") Slush-funders are in a very poor position for either closeness or trust. T h e y may not know that they are angry, but they are simply not at ease and are never completely themselves in relation to anyone else. This is especially true of sex, which represents the potential for the greatest closeness of all. Therefore it is not at all surprising that the sexual area becomes a poisoned one and that sexual poisons abound. W h a t about compulsive overworking? Here again there is a boundless variety of psychological dynamics or roots. T h e particularly large slush-funders who are overworkers are very similar to my handball player. They use working as a way of "working off" all feelings, among them anger. I had one patient who was a very wealthy man but a compulsive worker—to the point of eighteen hours a day. It became more and more apparent as time went on that he funneled all his emotions into and through his work. His total outlook was unilateral—work. He came to see me because his wife threatened to leave him. A few interesting things became apparent. There were times when he described complete turnabouts. I knew two grossly obese women who not only lost weight but eventually starved themselves to a severe underweight state of malnutrition. It took much treatment before they regained a semblance of "normal appetite." This is not really surprising when we realize that although upbringing and environment may be different in these people, the underlying causes of symptoms are often similar and even identical.Auto poison is not carbon monoxide. Auto poison is the very special but deadly stuff found throughout the world which chronic car-accident makers use to kill and maim other people and themselves. I feel very strongly that many automobile accidents are not accidental at all. T h e chronic auto killer may not be aware of any hostile intent, but his chronicity in this matter is evidence of unconscious intent. Slush is the fuel, the automobile is the weapon, and the results are only too obvious. Of course people who cause accidents may also suffer from a multiplicity of emotional difficulties, but the principal stuff of auto poison is perverted anger. How often we see a so-called nice, easy-going guy become omnipotently maniacal on the road. He is full of auto poison, and he is spewing it out all over the highway. On the road he is

Women’s Anger Management Workbook: A Mindful Guide to De-Escalate Explosive Emotions & Overcome Negative Thinking The Anger Workbook for Women: How to Keep Your Anger from Undermining Your Self-Esteem, Your Emotional Balance, and Your Relationships Mindfulness for Anger Management: Transformative Skills for Overcoming Anger and Managing Powerful Emotions To four of my friends and colleagues: Jerome Fass, M.D. Bella Van Bark, M.D. Harvey Kaye, M.D. Bernard Spector, M.D,Learn the art of mindful living with over 2,000 mindful practices to train your brain. Stress less, sleep better, and deal with anxiety. Mindfulness.com has 4.5+ stars on both major app stores. Free 7-Day Trial I am grateful to my former teachers, at the American Institute for Psychoanalysis, for my training in Karen Horneys theory. Dr. Horney's theory lives on in her books and in the work we do. Without it, this book would not be possible. T. I. R. burdening conscience of a parent or parents. Of course there are many conditions, possibilities, and complications. However subtle, perverted anger and all the poisons are always terribly destructive to human relations. In this particular form of "I'm with you" some of the destructive possibilities in the all-important parent-child relationship can be disastrous. There are two main imitations of anger. They are both poisons and are particularly insidious because they look like the real thing. They are at best synthetic products and stunted forms that do not bring real relief to their users. They further serve to confuse whoever it is they are directed at—usually children. Talking about it is the process of talking about and all around anger but not feeling it (for real, on a completely involved, fully aware l e v e l ) , and of course not conveying the feeling of it. This is usually a more or less completely intellectual process in which words about become a substitute for the real thing. The people who make use of this process often know that they are supposed to get angry and act accordingly—but all that comes through is words or play-acting. I remember sitting in a small play- Twisting It: The Assorted Poisons 55 jolly fat girl w h o without her awareness ate even more than her usual huge quantities each time her anger was provoked. "Normal" people would have become angry. She ate but took months to connect (deeply and feelingwise) her anger and its repression with eating. She eventually lost weight but only with much work and insight This was also true of the skinny, appetiteless, dour man and the woman w h o perpetually felt guilty for an interminable list of supposed crimes she couldn't possibly have been connected with. Of course the guilt as w e l l as the overeating and starvation were all means these people used for turning anger on themselves, attempting to dissipate it but hating themselves and punishing themselves even more. Think of the self-hate involved in starving oneself, in torturing oneself with a chronic burden of guilt, with stuffing oneself with food to the point of bodily distortion, nausea, and self-revulsion. Think of the poisonous effects on one's self as well as on one's relationships with other people—again having repercussions upon oneself. The poisonous possibilities are infinite. Believe it or not, it sometimes happens that "fat people" (obsessive eaters), guilt-ridden people, and "skinny people" (completely unable to eat, sometimes requiring force feeding or intravenous infusions) trade or switch symptoms, doing

This is an environment in which people often feel one way but act another way. When they are angry, they smile sweetly or freeze and do nothing at all. In any case, there is a paucity of straight, honest, simply and readily definable expressions of feelings. In this environment, there is sometimes a serious dearth of strong feelings, often to the point of emotional vacuum. Usually what look like appropriate, strong emotional responses are actually superficial, hysterical, manipulative outbursts turned on and off like summer showers. These serve to confuse further and to subvert real feelings. This is an environment in which hysteria may suddenly give way to inhibition and even to paralysis of emotional expression. In this atmosphere small issues will evoke large displays and large issues will evoke nothing. This atmosphere will be marked by many intricate inconsistencies that the child can't possibly understand. This will be particularly so with anger and may result in an avoidance of anger and subsequent crippling in this very important emotional area. In effect, the victim will be told the following: "It is all right for me to get angry in this circumstance but not you." "Sometimes it is all right for you to get angry, but sometimes you can't, even though the circumstances are identical. It all depends on my mood -- which there is no way of knowing." "Why can't you be like me -- I never get angry, but when I do, I don't show it. All I do is get cold and sullen and withdraw my attention and affection from you." "If you get angry, I'll know you don't love me." "Nice boys and girls don't get angry -- especially at adults." "If you must get angry, at least be polite." "If you get angry, you will not be liked." "If you continue to get angry, you will surely get into great trouble." "Civilized people don't get angry, but if you get angry I'll have to tell Daddy, and he will get angry and will have to punish you when he gets home." A free newsletter from Choosing Therapy for those interested in mental health issues and fighting the stigma. Get helpful tips and the latest information. Sign Up tors. Those that finally come into treatment demonstrate a remarkable memory for every seeming injustice committed against them over a lifetime. Most come into treatment when leakage starts taking place after years and years of saving. An inability to continue to deny anger is felt as terrifying indeed and produces enormous anxiety and depression since it threatens to destroy the entire savings account and the martyred image along with it. Some do not suffer an acute or sudden leak. They manage to save up their anger for twenty years and then slowly leak it out for the next twenty years. When this slow, chronic leakage takes place, it nearly always stems from injustices committed (against the martyred saver) in the past. Savers don't dare deal with present events. This might start an avalanche and a complete flood and inundation. Leakage of the past can bring some relief while the martyred, nonangry, sweet image is still maintained. I remember one woman who sweetly talked about wrongs committed by her husband in the past and how "I always took them" but who invariably managed to end the treatment hour convinced of the sweetness of their relationship—now. Of course she never really had let him know how she felt. Consequently there were many false elements to their relationship—little phony acts, and soto get angry, but sometimes you can't, even though the circumstances are identical. It all depends on my mood—which there is no w a y of knowing." " W h y can't you be like me—I never get angry, but when I do, I don't show it. All I do is get cold and sullen and withdraw my attention and affection from you." "If you get angry, I'll know you don't love me." "Nice boys and girls don't get angry—especially at adults." "If you must get angry, at least be polite." "If you get angry, you will not be liked." "If you continue to get angry, you will surely get into great trouble." "Civilized people don't get angry, but if you get angry I'll have to tell Daddy, and he will get angry and will have to punish you when he gets home." Parents in this environment will very often produce what is known as a double-bind situation which goes like this: "Don't hold it in— I can't stand you when you do—let it out! But when you let it out, I will hit you for being disrespectful." This damned-if-you-do, damnedif-you-don't approach promotes severe conflict, much anxiety, great angry problems, and emotional paralysis.



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